Bayou Blogs

Not my own. Other people. Particularly men in speedos. WHY??!!! Although my co-hort Gonzo is the expert on bikinis, I feel I know a thong (get it-thong? I’m hilarious) or 2 as I have just spent 4 sunny days on the beach far far away with my sister and Tiger and Cathie (my parents, remember he’s Tiger and she’s big Cat and I’m lil Kat) Here is what I know- No male,  EVER , should wear a speedo to the beach! Not even Michael Phelps wears one to the beach! Leave the speedos for swim meets and the olympics. NOT THE BEACH! And yes, even you Canadians. They wear speedos for some reason. I know this from growing up on the beaches of Maine and there they were, those Canadians ruining the beach in thier speedos. Boing boing is all I could think whenever one of them would walk by me. I don’t think any member of the band Rush would wear a speedo, or Neil young, or Bryan Adams, well maybe Bryan Adams, or any other musician from Canada would wear a speedo. I’m not completely sure about this. I will make a note to ask them all the next time I run into any of them. Neil young will be at Jazzfest. I’ll be sure to have him confirm this. Woman, on the other hand have a whole other set of probs on the beach when it comes to swim wear. Believe it or not, some chicks actually look BETTER in a bikini than they do in a 1 peice. I am one of them. Not because my bod is bangin, I try hard though, but because a 1 peice pulls up on my long dorky upper body and I get the thong effect in the front. Ya, not a nice visual. So I go bikini. Solid color, no crazy print or stripes or some stupid pattern. Solid is best ladies! Stay away from any kind of flower print. Unless you are my Mom. And she’s gonna be 70 this year. And she actually is pretty bangin for an old gal. So is my older sister. She sports the 1 piece though. And she will tell you a hundred times that she has had 3 kids and she still looks ‘like this’. This meaning the bee-otch is bangin and she is 4 yrs older than me. Her boys are all less than a yr apart. It was like she was pregnant for 3 straight years. She’ll explain that to you as well. And she will tell you “when you have 3 kids you’ll see….” See what??! She will also be glad to show you her incision thingie from poppin the kids out. That’s why she goes 1 peice. She has a scar on her belly the size of half a tooth pick. Both my Mom and Sister make good swim wear choices. And they both are bangin in thier own right. I sometimes think I got stuck with the ‘bad’ genes. Anyway, ladies, we have it rough enough I realize. Buying swim wear and jeans is difficult for most women. Make sure to acentuate the positive. Or something like that. Or at least get swim wear that fits you. Start there. And when on the beach with family members have a cooler full of champagne, OJ, Gin and cold Millers. To block out all the “…….when you’re my age…” or “…when you have a husband and kids…” or “…..you’ll see when you’re married….” Which inevitably turns into “……why aren’t you married?” A buzz in the sun are best in situations like this. And secretly saying back to them-I see that I’m not crazy.