It’s been nearly 15 years since the release of the last Guns ‘N’ Roses album, The Spagetti Incident (and I’d really rather forget that one, if you don’t mind…). Finally, on Sunday, we’ll actually have a new G ‘N’ R album when Chinese Democracy hits the streets (well, hits Best Buy stores, anyway). To put this event in context…a list of a few things that have happened since Axl last graced us with his creative genius:
23/11/93 On the day that The Spaghetti Incident is released, Miley Cyrus celebrates her first birthday. Little did she know…
21/1/94 Lorena Bobbitt is found not guilty of cutting her husband’s winky off, despite the fact that she did it. Bitch.
5/4/94 Kurt Cobain commits suicide at the age of 27. It had nothing to do with Chinese Democracy. I don’t think.
10/5/94 Nelson Mandela becomes South Africa’s first black president, paving the way for a meeting with the Spice Girls. 27 years in prison obviously wasn’t punishment enough.
30/8/94 Oasis release their debut album Definitely Maybe. Hiding comfortably under the rock of obscurity with Blur.
3/9/94 Russia and the People’s Republic of China sign an agreement to stop targeting their nuclear weapons against each other. “Oh, s@*&!,” thinks the United States.
23/9/94 Quentin Tarantino’s Pulp Fiction premieres in the US.
27/3/95 Tom Hanks wins the Best Actor Oscar for Forrest Gump, despite the fact that all he does is talk a bit slow wearing a funny suit.
3/9/95 eBay is founded. Copies of The Spaghetti Incident are traded for as little as $2 a piece.
3/10/95 OJ Simpson is found not guilty of the murder of his wife and one of her gentlemen “friends”.
29/1/96 French president Jacques Chirac announces an end to French nuclear testing. Someone must have threatened them.
28/2/96 Alanis Morissette wins a Grammy Award for her album Jagged Little Pill. Ah, truly those were different times.
25/3/96 Braveheart wins Best Picture at the Oscars.
8/7/96 The Spice Girls release their debut single, Wannabe, revealing that all they really want is a zig-a-zig-aah. But then don’t we all? 1st sign of the Apocalypse.
18/11/96 Bird expert Tony Silva is sentenced to seven years in prison for his part in an illegal parrot smuggling ring. No, I’m not making this up.
22/2/97 Scientists announce the successful cloning of a sheep called Dolly. They have yet to clone Megan Fox, so what’s the point?.
2/5/97 Tony Blair is voted into office, on account of the fact that he just seems like a really nice man.
11/5/97 A computer beats Garry Kasparov at chess. Hal 9000, anyone?
26/6/97 Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone hits the shelves.
31/8/97 Princess Diana dies following a car crash in Paris.
22/11/97 Singer Michael Hutchence dies of…natural causes. Yeah, that’s it…natural causes.
17/1/98 Bill Clinton is accused of sexual harassment.
23/3/98 Titanic wins a record 11 Oscars, despite the fact it’s crap.
7/4/98 George Michael is arrested for lewd conduct following some naughty behavior in an rest-stop bathroom. The guy’s a millionaire and he’s playing footsie in a glorified porta-pottie. And we thought Michael Jackson was nuts.
19/8/98 Bill Clinton admits to an “improper physical relationship” with Monica Lewinsky. In other words, she b**w him.
4/9/98 The search engine Google is founded, affording journalists the world over the opportunity to never do any work again.
23/10/98 Britney Spears releases Baby One More Time. 2nd sign of the Apocalypse.
1/3/99 Geffen Records’ deadline for the early release of Chinese Democracy, which would have netted Axl Rose a $1m bonus, passes.
17/3/99 Rod Hull dies. You know, the guy with that stupid emu puppet. Am I the only one that remembers this guy? Whatever.
20/4/99 Marilyn Manson orchestrates the Columbine High School massacre. O.K. Not really. But you know he was involved somehow…
4/7/99 Soccer star/douche-bag David Beckham and Victoria Adams from the Spice Girls marry in a big castle. 3rd sign of the Apocalypse.
11/8/99 A total solar eclipse occurs. Everyone goes, “Ooooh!”
1/1/00 The 21st century begins, unless you’re one of those pedantic twerps who points out that it doesn’t actually start until 2001.
2/1/00 People finally stop using the phrase “Y2K”.
17/2/00 Windows 2000 is out.
31/12/00 The Millenium Dome closes. A nation weeps. Wait…it’s not closed. Led Zeppelin played there in 2007. Damned English can’t make up their minds.
1/1/01 “Right, NOW it’s the 21st century,” say pedantic twerps.
1/1/01 Guns N’Roses play a gig at the Chicago House Of Blues, their first live concert in seven years.
15/1/01 Wikipedia, without which this blog simply wouldn’t exist, is launched.
20/1/01 George W Bush becomes president of US. “Is this some kind of joke?” asks rest of the world.
25/3/01 Gladiator wins the Best Picture Oscar. Leslie Nielson cackles with glee.
2/7/01 World’s first artificial heart implanted in a human being. Aren’t we clever? Still no Megan Fox clone. Where are our priorities?
11/9/01 I had something written down for this one, but I’ve forgotten what it was.
15/2/02 The Britney Spears movie Crossroads is released. It’s crap. What? You expected Casablanca? 4th sign of the Apocalypse.
30/3/02 The Queen Mother dies at the age of 101.
2/10/02 A sniper randomly shoots members of the public in Maryland. Did you know he was from Baton Rouge? BR is getting quite a reputation for serial killers. Is that a major at LSU?
22/12/02 Joe Strummer of the Clash dies.
1/2/03 The Columbia space shuttle explodes on re-entry to the earth’s atmosphere, killing seven
23/3/03 Chicago wins Best Picture at the Oscars. WTF???
2/6/03 The largest hailstone ever recorded lands in Nebraska.
20/8/2003 MySpace is launched. Since then, you have wasted approximately 1.79 years of your life stalking your “friends”.
18/11/03 George W Bush visits London, and finds it less than friendly.
20/11/03 Michael Jackson is arrested on charges of child molestation. Did he do it? Probably? Will he get away with it? I’m betting he does. That’s coming up later…no skipping ahead!!
4/2/04 The website Facebook is launched, affording co-workers the world over the opportunity to send each other virtual rubber chickens.
29/2/04 The Return of the King wins 11 Oscars, which means it’s officially as good as Titanic. Which was crap.
8/6/04 Velvet Revolver, featuring ex-Gunners Slash and Duff McKagan, release debut album
2/11/04 Eleven US states ban gay marriage. The other 39 had the day off for President’s Day.
15/2/05 YouTube goes online. Now everyone gets 15 seconds to 4:39 of fame….
13/6/05 Michael Jackson acquitted of all charges. See, I told you.
20/1/06 The first High School Musical is released. 5th sign of the Apocalypse.
5/5/06 Axl Rose appears on radio and states with absolute authority that Chinese Democracy will definitely be released this year. Oops!
15/7/06 Cheryl Tweedy and Ashley Cole get married. Another crappy English singer and another annoying soccer player. Bizarrely, they don’t do it in a castle. Doesn’t count as a sign of the Apocalypse since nobody knows who the hell they are. Except those British twits. And we never pay attention to them anyway.
14/12/06 Axl Rose announces to fans that all these gigs they are playing are delaying the release of Chinese Democracy. So…that’s the reason! At least now we know.
17/2/07 Britney Spears shaves her own hair off in a beauty parlour. “She got a little bit teary-eyed,” notes the proprietor, astutely. Further proof that she is, indeed, insane. Like we needed more proof.
6/3/07 The slated release date of Chinese Democracy passes without any sign of any product.
29/3/07 Rihanna releases the single Umbrella in the US. No Guns N’Roses fans buy it. Except that one guy in Pascagoula. There’s always that one…
18/5/07 Singer Amy Winehouse marries enabling narcotic leech Blake Fielder-Civil. He soon goes to prison, and her meteoric rise to the gutter begins.
17/8/07 High School Musical 2 is released. It is, to the naked eye, very similar to the original. Who’s watches this dreck anyway? And don’t blame it on your kids…Do sequels count as signs of the Apocalypse? I’ll defer on this one…
9/9/07 Britney Spears performs Gimme More at the MTV Video Music Awards. With a wig on. Thankfully. A mumu would have been nice, too…
29/4/08 Mel B announces that the Spice Girls will regretfully not reform for Mandela’s 90th birthday. The world sighs in relief…
10/9/08 The Large Hadron Collider is started up, despite the possibility that it may create a giant black hole into which all life on Earth may instantaneously vanish.
19/9/08 The Large Hadron Collider breaks down. The earth gets a reprieve.
22/10/08 The title track of Chinese Democracy is played on the radio for the first time. The reaction is massively underwhelming.
22/10/08 High School Musical 3: Senior Year is released. A noted film reviewer notes that “it makes cellophane taste like chicken jalfrezi”.
4/11/08 Barack Obama is voted in as the first black President of the United States. Unless something really weird happens. Like one of those crazy recounts. Or they find the birth certificate that says he was born in Kenya.
– – – Chinese Democracy is out on Nov 23. And we’re still waiting for the 6th sign of the Apocalypse. As far as I know.