Hey the 4th of July is almost here, is your checklist complete? Well I’ll let you cheat off of mine:

1. Fireworks with the paper ripped off - You rip off the paper to prevent your dumbass friend from doing whatever the warning label warns you not to do. Cuz you KNOW that thing is like a dare! And you KNOW every year somebody tries it!

2. American flag - the more old and tattered the better - cuz nothing is less patriotic than a brand new out of the box American flag - what you just got around to buying one? Commie!!!

3. Barbecue pit - this one is pretty straightforward. Remember, cook chicken long and hot dogs and hamburgers short… don’t mix that up cuz the hospital is a terrible place to watch fireworks.

4. Sunscreen - even if it’s cloudy. There’s nothing worse than waking up on July 5th, taking off your shirt and seeing your skin fly in all directions. Also bad sunburn feels like a really bad fever and your false alarm at the hospital could make it difficult for them to treat all the salmonella poisonings.

5. Watermelon - one to eat and one to play watermelon toss with. What? You don’t play watermelon toss? It’s the same principle as the egg toss only on a much larger scale. Toss the watermelon to your friend then back up a step. Your friend does the same back to you. Last person at the park standing with a whole watermelon wins! The prize? You have two watermelons.

Hope that helps you out in lieu of your own 4th of July checklist, and have a great long weekend!