First of all, since when is St. Patrick’s Day a holiday at all? No other saint expects you to take off work and get drunk on their feast day. (With apologies to St. Nick who got lucky that Jesus was born on his day.) But for some reason, every year, St. Patrick’s Day has become a celebration of everything Irish. That would be fine except for one small fact: St. PATRICK WASN’T EVEN IRISH!!!!!

It’s true! Look at this snippet from History.com: “It is known that St. Patrick was born in Britain to wealthy parents near the end of the fourth century.” Yeah that’s right. And that’s at a real website so you can’t just go to Wikipedia and change it! But wait, there’s more: “At the age of sixteen, Patrick was taken prisoner by a group of Irish raiders who were attacking his family’s estate. They transported him to Ireland where he spent six years in captivity.”

So St. Patty got kidnapped by the Irish? What the F? Why’d he stick around to help them with their snake problem? He shoulda trained those snakes to give those potato lickers a Terminator style ass kickin’! (And my mom’s half Irish so I can say that).

Maybe St. Patty’s day should be a day to celebrate British people who help Irish people out after getting kidnapped by them. But don’t worry, you can still celebrate Irish heritage on St. Darby O’McSeamus Day.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, if you see me on St. Patrick’s Day not wearing green, I reserve the right to still kick your ass! Ok, that is what this is about. You can’t just pick a day to make some arbitrary clothing rule and allow violators to be punished by getting pinched over and over. There is no day you can pinch me with impunity! That just pisses me off.