No, that title doesn’t refer to what I know you’re thinking (you sick bastard). But it’s almost as bad!

I’m not ashamed. I like to show up to parades at the last minute. I don’t even get out of the car until I hear police sirens in the distance, so I accept that most of the time I’ll be way in the back by the time the first float rolls by.

I’m fine with that. I won’t cut in line. In fact, it’s kinda fun to test out those overweight masked riders’ weak-ass arms. Hit me, by the Port - o - johnny!

And it’s fine if other people wanna spend the night out on the route to get that coveted front spot, but the one thing that just DRIVES ME UP THE WALL… is when you take that crime scene tape and rope off a special section of the neutral ground just for you and your three cousins.

“Well, next time, you stay out here all night and you can get a good spot,” is what you hear when you complain to these a-holes. Well I don’t wanna spend all night out here just to look at a parade 20 feet ahead of where I would have if I had gotten a GOOD night’s sleep. I just want my God given piece of the neutral ground!

No, I don’t mind standing in the back, as long as it’s behind other PEOPLE! Because you can’t just claim a piece of the neutral ground because you got there first. This isn’t the Old West, people! Sticking a flag in the ground and roping off a square means nothing in modern times! If you give me crap for stepping over your tape, I’m gonna ask to see the deed!

After all, they do call it a neutral ground because it’s, oh I don’t know, NEUTRAL! It’s for everybody! That includes the stragglers, latecomers, and even the homeless. Yes, we’re people too!

But if you tapers wanna play by Old West rules, fine by me! I’ll just form a posse armed with scissors and waste cans to prowl the streets cutting down your illegal and oppressive borders and making Mardi Gras fair for all once again! Who’s with me?