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ADVICE FOR THE SINGLE, THE LONELY, OR THOSE IN BAD RELATIONSHIPS

You need to realize how fabulous you are! You need to really really really love yourself. You can be imperfect, you can be out of shape, two kids, 40 or whatever! It doesn’t mean you aren’t fabulous! AND there WILL be someone else. He might not show up tomorrow or next year or the year after, but he WILL show up. And the sooner you love yourself, know your fabulous and get the life that YOU love, the sooner he will be there for you.

You’re miserable because you allow yourself to remain in situations that keep you miserable.

Its like this: Imagine a woman really out of shape and overweight. She is miserable that she is overweight and hates summer. She knows if she could just drop 50lbs she’d be happy. The problem? Dropping 50 lbs isn’t fun and it takes WORK. Its a LONG process and at times a person thinks…ugh…I can’t do it, its easier to just eat cake. In fact, when she eats cake she feels GOOOOOOOD. THEN she feels aweful because she is back where she started, 50lbs overweight. If she could just push through the temptation, the pain, the cravings and put in the hard work…think how happy she’ll be when she hits her goal weight!!!

This is you. Your man, is chocolate cake. He’s satisfying, but not totally satisfying because indulging in him causes you pain. Leaving him is painful, just like going on a diet. But once you do it for long enough and develop your own sense of self and a life you love, you WILL be happy. Happier than you have ever been. You need to make girlfriends, get some hobbies. You shouldn’t feel alone and lonely when you are not in a relationship. A relationship should add to you, not define you. Envision a great life as a single, sexy 20, 30, or 40-something and GO GET IT. THEN…a man, the RIGHT man, will show up. But guess what?? You won’t be worried about WHEN he shows up. You’ll be so happy and so at peace as a single woman your attitude will change.  You’ll be ok single, or ok with the right man.

Just love yourself, love your life and learn to be happy no matter what your circumstance.

Kim

Not Exclusive before Engagement

Clearly gauging all the emails and phone calls, I have frustrated enough people to the point where I need to write a blog post.

I believe we do not need to be “exclusive” meaning, “boyfriend, girlfriend” prior to engagement.  Here’s why:
Dating is a delicate time.

If you are like me and at the point where you want to find your life partner and get married, dating serves two purposes. First, dating is the time when you get to look around, meet lots of people, figure out what you like and don’t like, and figure out what works for you. Secondly, dating is the time when you get to show someone else you are worth marrying. This can be tricky since the first purpose is very selfish in nature, it’s all about you and what you want and what you like. The second requires being more giving, showing someone what you have to offer, that you’re trust worthy, that you’re a real catch. This is a very delicate balance that has to be struck.
Marriage, on the other hand, is selfless. It’s all about giving to your partner. If you’re both giving to each other you’re both taken care of. In marriage you are obligated to one another. Committed, faithful, and never looking back.

The best way to date delicately is to remain open to others until you have fully decided to commit 100% to one person. At that time, you marry them.

HOLD ON! Before you go ballistic on me, let me explain….

Imagine this:  Kyle and Kelly meet at a party and like each other. Kyle asks Kelly on a date as well as a few other girls he has met that week. He goes on all the dates and really enjoys his time with Kelly. He asks her out again. Meanwhile, Kelly is doing the same thing. She is dating lots of hot guys but also enjoys Kyle. They date more and more and in time spend more and more of their time together. Kelly slows down dating other men and Kyle slows down dating other women. Both have made it clear that they are ultimately looking for a life partner.

•    At this point, had Kyle or Kelly indicated they didn’t want a serious relationship, or that marriage wasn’t in the near horizons, then the smart thing would be to end it. They are not on the same page. ‘

Kyle and Kelly start to get to the point where they are learning a lot about each other and growing closer and closer. Now…for most, including me in the past, this is the time when two people start to DTR, (define the relationship). People naturally want to commit to one another because they want to feel the safety and warmth of a loving, committed relationship.

However, I’m going to take this story in a different direction.

Kyle and Kelly never DTR. Instead, they just continue on as they are. They spend more and more time together. They enjoy each other’s company they grow close and start to share burdens and heartaches with each other. They start to really feel love for one another. They decide to meet each other’s families and make each other more integral in each other’s lives. They can still do all of this without ever declaring claim on each other. In fact, I think their better off if they don’t! On one level, Dating is the time to be selfish. This is the time to make sure you’re making the right choice because it’s going to be a permanent one!

So Kelly and Kyle continue on and they hit some rough patches. They both realize that’s normal, that really you only need to like 80% of a person, but it’s still a little jarring. They have been getting closer and closer to one another but neither of them is certain they’ve found “the one”. However, they both still see massive potential and work through their little quibbles.

One day Kelly’s sister invites her to a BBQ and introduces her to a few single guys. The guys think Kelly is hot so they chat her up and take interest. Kelly is flattered and flirts back (because she CAN, because she’s still SINGLE!). She decides to go out on a date with one of the guys.

•    At this point it can go one of a few ways. Kelly can go out with this guy and think “Wow, this guy is awesome! I have to end it with Kyle!”. She can think, ”Wow, this guy is awesome but not worth giving up everything I have built with Kyle”, or she can think, “ugh….why did I go on this date…I love Kyle”.
•    Either way, it’s ALL good and what dating is meant to be, AND since her and Kyle were not “exclusive” Kelly could test the waters with someone new without having to break up with Kyle first or cheat on him.

Kyle, of course, can choose to be upset by Kelly opting to go on a date with another guy, but my guess is it depends on how the date turns out. If it’s in his favor, he’s probably going to be happy that Kelly saw the light and was reassured Kyle is amazing. Which is how this story ends. Kelly thinks Kyle is amazing.

Kyle has a very similar experience. He realizes he is getting pretty serious with Kelly and thinks he’s in love with her. This feeling is scary given the gravity of marriage. He wants to make sure what he is feeling is real so he goes on a date. The whole time he’s thinking about Kelly. He then decides that night that he wants to marry Kelly. They have grown incredibly close, they know everything about each other and their friendship is unbreakable. She’s the one. Again, Kelly could be angry he went out with another girl, but Kyle was respectful and ultimately he decided his dedication was with Kelly.

What we are ultimately afraid of is being abandoned. We don’t want our partner to leave us for “someone better”. But I say…LET EM! If that’s what they do…then GOOD! You know NOW! If you give them the freedom to explore and they go out and hookup with loads of people and disrespect you, GOOD…you have now seen their colors! Get out while you’re ahead!

You want whomever you partner with to understand what it is they are looking for and what it takes to make a committed marriage work.  As relationships become more serious you get to know that person better and better. There may be times when you wonder if what they offer is in fact what you are looking for. THAT’S OK! That’s healthy and normal and what DATING is for.

At some point in any relationship commitment slowly forms naturally. I doubt anyone would agree to marry someone who has been dating serially on the side. Dating is not only a time to be selfish but also a time to show what you are made of. If the person hasn’t shown you that they want to be with you and only you through their own silent commitment, they are probably not someone you should agree to be with. Let them have their freedom and see if they will genuinely make commitments without feeling obligated by you. But keep in mind, they are not obligated to you. They are not married to you.  If at some point they feel they need space or to explore, a healthy relationship allows for that. A healthy confidant person allows their unobligated partner to explore other options.

What I’m trying to avoid is this scenario: Two people are committed to one another, things get more serious, and as they do, issues comes up. One person starts to feel like maybe this isn’t the right relationship after all, but…they’re NOT SURE.  They want space, they want to see other people to figure out if it’s not the right person, or just a typical bump in the relationship road. But In order to do that, they have to break up. They have to go to their partner and say those infamous words, “I need space” or “I want to start seeing other people”. The other person freaks out, has a psycho moment and the person who approached starts thinking, “yep…it’s the wrong relationship, this chick is psycho”.  It’s over.  Or worse yet, the person doesn’t say anything but cheats behind your back.

If there was space and freedom in the relationship, when one person feels like they need to make sure they are choosing wisely, they can go and do their thing. They either come back or they don’t. Either way, you ultimately win.

Marriage is the time for ultimate commitment. Dating is delicate.

When To Call It Quits?

Current mood: hopeful

Category: Romance and Relationships

I’ve been reflecting a lot about relationships. Mainly about marriage and why so many fail. My producer Casey asked me this question today, “At what point is it best to just walk away and call it quits?”.

Personally I’d rather not focus on the quitting part but focus on the selection of a partner. My number one, deal breaking criteria is making sure I am with a partner who is willing to go to therapy. Even if things seem totally fine. If you’re with someone who refuses counseling, you know you are with someone who can’t seek help and may not put forth the effort necessary for a long committed relationship.

In a 40 year marriage, you can guarantee years and years of crap. Times you hate each other. Times you want to walk away. Times when you think “I really don’t like this person”. Maybe those stretches of time last years. Many many years even. But in a 40 year marriage do you really expect ALL of those 40 to be bliss? Think about it, even if 5 years straight totally sucked, 5 years is nothing to 40. Small patch of time. The point is to work through those years knowing good times ARE ahead if both people are willing to work.

Believe me, my partner and I (assuming I ever find someone), will be sitting in therapy before we get married to make sure all the basics are in check, before each child is born to prepare for the changes, when the kids hit their teens cause their all monsters, and when empty nesting begins. At all the major life points, I expect to be doing some maintenance on my marriage. It’s important to not allow yourselves to drift apart. Its important to continue dating one another. It’s important to know that your partner is with you till the end no matter how shitty they sometimes can be. Like parents you can always count on, I want to be there for my spouse through it all. Even if they’re acting like bratty teens who scream and yell and make life miserable. You can’t disown them, you can only ride out the changing tides.

So I guess that is my answer. I don’t think there is a good or right time to call it quits. You fell in love with that person and made the choice to be with them at one point. Just keep making it. Keep working at it. Keep hoping for brighter times.