When To Call It Quits?
Current mood: 
hopeful
Category: Romance and Relationships
I’ve been reflecting a lot about relationships. Mainly about marriage and why so many fail. My producer Casey asked me this question today, “At what point is it best to just walk away and call it quits?”.
Personally I’d rather not focus on the quitting part but focus on the selection of a partner. My number one, deal breaking criteria is making sure I am with a partner who is willing to go to therapy. Even if things seem totally fine. If you’re with someone who refuses counseling, you know you are with someone who can’t seek help and may not put forth the effort necessary for a long committed relationship.
In a 40 year marriage, you can guarantee years and years of crap. Times you hate each other. Times you want to walk away. Times when you think “I really don’t like this person”. Maybe those stretches of time last years. Many many years even. But in a 40 year marriage do you really expect ALL of those 40 to be bliss? Think about it, even if 5 years straight totally sucked, 5 years is nothing to 40. Small patch of time. The point is to work through those years knowing good times ARE ahead if both people are willing to work.
Believe me, my partner and I (assuming I ever find someone), will be sitting in therapy before we get married to make sure all the basics are in check, before each child is born to prepare for the changes, when the kids hit their teens cause their all monsters, and when empty nesting begins. At all the major life points, I expect to be doing some maintenance on my marriage. It’s important to not allow yourselves to drift apart. Its important to continue dating one another. It’s important to know that your partner is with you till the end no matter how shitty they sometimes can be. Like parents you can always count on, I want to be there for my spouse through it all. Even if they’re acting like bratty teens who scream and yell and make life miserable. You can’t disown them, you can only ride out the changing tides.
So I guess that is my answer. I don’t think there is a good or right time to call it quits. You fell in love with that person and made the choice to be with them at one point. Just keep making it. Keep working at it. Keep hoping for brighter times.
I think that sometimes its so hard to know when to throw in the towel. I was married for two years to a man who was ill suited to take care of a plant let alone be married. I stayed out of obligation and the need to believe hed change. But fast forward to now. Im a 30 year old paralegal student and totally in love. I think when its the right guy it makes all the work involved worth it. Happiness is fleeting. Lets capitalize on it while we can.
I think it is very hard to determine when it is time to throw in the towel. To me if you can’t learn to work through the tough times how will you grow stronger in a relationship? For my current relationship we have been dating for 7 months and things got really rough at about 3 months because I went through his phone and found a message from a girl he use to date before me saying she could of kissed him all night too and wishes she still was. Nothing before that or after that…I did not have time to read sent, I made my excuses and left, and when he found out he got mad and said that I read it out of context and it was her drunk texting him. I could tell I hurt him and usually that is a deal breaker for him but we have been working on our relationship and here we are seven months later. And he says it still kind of bothers him because it shows that I did not trust him…and we argue sometimes a lot last month was not a good month for us. Yet I don’t know if we should throw the towel in sometimes I think so but I really care about him and I know he cares about me. So it’s just really hard to say.
I read this years ago, it’s from a famous baseball player, a great role model for marriage. . .
“I’m a believer that when you make a commitment, you make a commitment. And that’s what marriage is. It’s just like a contract. I believe you’re only as good as your word. If people can’t trust you, what have you got? . . . When you have kids, you’re making a commitment there, too. You have an obligation to give them the best foundation you can give them so that they can go out in the world fully prepared.”- NOLAN RYAN
words to live by indeed, I hope to have that opportunity someday
I’m with Khristi on this. When you find the right one, there’s a connection that goes deeper than any point of contingency either of you will possibly have. Unfortunately, there’s no easy way to find the right partner. Especially if you’re a sexual minority. The only thing to do is keep looking. I suggest watching their eyes. It’s said that, “The eyes are the window to the soul.” Good luck to those who need to ride out bad relationships (kids and such), and good luck to those who are searching.
I don’t completely agree with you Kim, in that counseling and therapy are a necessary part of a relationship. I definitely think that counseling is a great idea when things are going poorly and there are unresolvable issues present in a relationship. However, couples don’t necessary need to rely on a third party to solve all of their problems, If lines of communication are open, an essential part of all relationships is compromise. It is only when all else fails that I believe counseling is a great option.
I have been in a relationship for eight years and although my partner and I disagree about many things and argue often, we have never considered therapy. My advice for those couples who feel that it is time to call it quits is to just duke it out and try to find a happy medium where both partners may not be completely satisfied, but can be content with the outcome. If this fails, try counseling.
Overall, realize that a relationship is a partnership where both people need to have a say and consider their partner’s feelings before taking a die hard stance on a decision that involves both people.
If all else fails, realize that there may be someone better for you out there and that there is nothing that says you MUST stay in a relationship that isn’t satisfying for both partners.
My boyfriend and I got to talking about marriage and why he is so against it one day. He basically said it was because he knows of so many people that aren’t happy in their marriages or are getting divorced. I do agree with him and know how the divorce rate has gone up but I came to the conclusion that too many people get married for the wrong reasons! So many people get married because they’ve had a child or because they’ve been together for so many years already. I think the meaning of marriage has clearly diminished for a lot of people and they don’t stop to think that vows actually do mean something and aren’t just words. I believe that people need to take into consideration that marriage is indeed a commitment and should treat it as such. Both husband and wife should both put in the effort no matter how tough or impossible the relationship may seem. It’s a two way street.
Absolutely it is essential to spend more time finding the right partner who is willing to go to counseling!!!I spent way too much of my life trying to make a marriage work where I was the one putting forth the large majority of effort. I love him with all my heart but it wasn’t enough! It is very sad to me but I had no control over his choices. I had no control over his choice to try or his happiness, only mine. Unfortunately, to chose to work towards my happiness I had to chose to get a divorce. It was so hard! It is still hard! In retrospect I now see that I have to learn to love myself before I can make the right choice to ever be in a healthy relationship where I am not the one doing most of the work. I have to learn to love myself enough to go after what I deserve. I am learning to love myself enough to realize that I am not defined by a man or pleasing a man, that I can be happy by myself first.
I listened to your show tonight about whether a woman should take the husband to be last name. I’ve just read your column about what a man should do about couseling. What does a highly educated woman, with your opinions really need a man for security NO money NO. What is now the point of marriage. You should hire some movers, lawn service, artfically inseminate and call it good.
You are right about counseling, but sometimes, so much hurt has been inflicted that you simply DO NOT love the other person anymore. It’s okay not to “like” the person for periods of time, but when the love starts to go away and it gets hard to say, “I love you” that is a huge problem. I know, been there done that, after a few years of having a husband addicted to pornography, who constantly lied about it. “He would be a great husband if…” just doesn’t cut it.
fMy parents probably should have called it quits many of times, but they didn’t. You will NEVER like ANYONE 100% of the time. And sometimes it is even way less than that. There are even times you dislike your own kids, you will always love them though. I was in a previous relationship before my marriage where I fell out of love with him for about a year and then back in love with him. But, I did not call it quits because I thought that if I wanted to marry him one day we will have years were we might not love each other if we drift apart, but knowing that I know how to love him again through everything everything is a very powerful thing. He actually ended up braking up with me in the end, but I knew that when I did find that one person for me that it did not matter what we went through I would stick by him! Now that I am married to a wonderful man and we have a daughter together I know it will be ok. I know he will stick by me through anything and I will do the same for him.
I had really bad postpartum depression for a year after I had our daughter and while many other men would of called it quits and ran for the hills he was there for me. I had VERY ANGRY postpartum depression so it was hell for him. I had to leave the room all the time so I would not take anything out on our daughter, but he wasn’t always so lucky. But, we seamed to be able to talk about it once I was balanced again and come to an understating and I think that is one of the things that got us through it.
I think about calling it quits then you really need to look at why you are choosing the wrong person for you. Marriage is alot of hard work and if you are not on the same team then there is always a looser! And alot of time it will be both of you.
I agree with everything you say. You have to be willing to have your your ego smashed from time to time to grow as a couple and it never gets easy to hear the bad stuff, but it feels good in the end when you resolve something and move forward.
Take care!
Hmm Marriage, Well I was in a 9 year marriage and the day I decided it was time for me to walk away was the day I was sitting on my couch waiting for him to walk thur that door with the sole reason to shoot him. I had finally had enough of the mental and physical abuse. I wont go into everything that he did to me over a 9 year period. I tried for 9 years to work it out. believing I was the problem, trying to fix myself, becoming what it was he wanted me to become. That day I was sitting there ready to end everything I decided to live. I never went into my marriage believing that one day I would actually try to end both of our lives. But with God by my side I had the strength to walk away from everything.. I have sense became myself again started an awesome career and lost over 200lbs. I do believe that marriage is work. After 3 years of finding myself and being happy I have opened back up to relationships again. I have realized that all relationships are different. You can say I am in this marriage for the long haul. Have all the intentions of remaining with someone for the rest of your life, sometime more then just a curve ball is toss into your direction. Was it my fault or his fault that our marriaged ended? Was there something that I did to change him? who knows all I do know is that I believe in what I said under god I tried my all to keep the marriage together, but I couldn’t live the way I was living anymore. Therapy wouldnt have worked for us. On the outside we looked like the prefect couple. He knew how to work people.
I just heard about your break-up. It’s really hard; I empathize for your pain. But your words on air were so totally insightful! Good for you! You’re so much better than that!
First of all Kendra- Your boyfriend does not have ex girlfriend’s sending him flirty, dirty text
messages for no reason. Wake up and smell the coffee on that one. I was
texting an ex of mine and it was definitely not platonic. I would dump him now!
I completely disagree with Kim. My parents have been happily married for over
40 years and they have NEVER been in counseling. They also only dated each other and
only for 6 months. Dating multiple partners only stirs jealousy and never fosters the commitment it really takes.
I have been in my one and only real relationshipfor 20 years, 10 years married, 1 1/2 years separated, and we are at the point of filing for divorce. I believe that marriage is indeed a life-time committment, but if you’re not both on the same page and have been sweeping the same issues under the rug for years and years, it doesn’t leave you in a good place. It makes you feel like a failure when you hear everyone’s opionions on what they think about marriage and how divorce is a cowardly way out of a relationship. There are no two marriages identical, and I think rather than judging those that have tried and tried to make their marriage work and still not making any headway or getting through the issues, know that everyone has different situations they’re dealing with and only they know if they’ve done all they can. It’s true though that too many throw the towel in before really trying to make it work. Most importantly, it’s a team effort, so only one person trying isn’t going to keep the marriage afloat. When you can’t compromise or agree on counseling or other possible solutions, you feel like you’re in a losing battle. How do you determine when you’ve spent too much of your life on a roller-coaster relationship of unresolved problems just so you don’t become a statistic and worry about what others will think?
i think you’re dumb. you need to stop getting in other peoples business in less they ask you, you’re just assuming someone needs help, why don’t you let them ask?
.I know that most of these comments are older but thought I would give my two cents worth. First off…Kim, I think you are a bit off on your whole counselling idea. Dating, Courtship and Marriage is meant to involve two people only, that is why we say we are a couple. Yes there are times where we turn to our best friend, or our Mom or Dad when we are having problems during the dating or courtship stage, and I might go along with seeing a counsellor during those stages if we are at some sort of impass. After we are married and reach any other form of impass that is just not getting worked out…yes, of course, seek professional help. Kim…you, setting in stone that you will go to counselling with your man before marriage, before major life events really shows that you have no faith in relationships. If you have an open channel of communication and your relationship is centered around common goals, you and your man will be able to work out most problems….just the two of you, and depending on your religious faith, sometimes with God in between you.
Secondly, when to call it quits. Marriage is a contract between a man and a woman ( and God in some cases). If one person strays away and is breaking the terms of the contract and makes no effort to change…then the other party of the contract has a right to get out. Love fades, yes that is true, so it is up to both parties to do eveything they can to keep it alive. If one person is pulling all the weight and the other is off doing whatever they want….that relationship is doomed to fail. In many cases it pays off to work through bumps we go through but also remember the saying about the “dead horse”.